


Memories

by hyunsungyes



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Flashbacks, Light Angst, M/M, Memories from the past, Repressed Emotions, What Could Have Been, What Ifs, open-ended, untold confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21669544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyunsungyes/pseuds/hyunsungyes
Summary: Untold confessions never make a relationship. Neither do secret admirer gifts nor subtle hints. And yet no matter how hard he tries to keep the memories in the past, Jisung knows that everything was bound to come crashing back, he just didn't expect it to happen that one night as Hyunjin's confusing actions brings him on an unexpected trip down memory lane.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin (Implied)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Memories

"It's been a while, Han."

Jisung jerks in surprise at the voice. It's not that he didn't know Hyunjin was sitting just a few feet on his left, he just didn't expect him to initiate the conversation. He promptly gets over his surprise as the words sink in, a nostalgic smile sneaking up on his lips. "It really has, hasn't it?"

They were both being fussed over by their groupmates, preparing them for a school pageant that neither of them had been expecting to be on. It's true they had always been the ones pushed onstage, because according to their batchmates, they were "easily the prettiest ones," but this time they were on their last year—two years since their last pageant—and were actually expecting the younger batches to take the spotlight. They've both had their fair share of pageants, either as rivals or as a pair, yet they never really talked beyond the obligatory _Goodluck_ and _Congratulations_ , except, Jisung noted, at that one particular point in time.

"I'm too old for this, you know? This isn't even a serious competition. There isn't even a Q&A?" There was a hint of disdain in the other's voice that Jisung didn't miss.

"Exactly. That's why I never attended a single rehearsal. Besides," Jisung chuckles. "You're gonna win it anyway," he replies, shrugging even though the other doesn't see him anyway. And it's true, Hyunjin is bound to take the trophy home no matter what happens, because no matter what anyone says, he's more than just a pretty boy. Jisung had heard him make enough speeches to know that Hyunjin is amazing at handling pressure and is never daunted by whatever questions are thrown at him. He was born to be onstage, whether it be walking the runway, answering pageant questions, and even showing off his talents. _God, he's perfect,_ the thought crosses Jisung's mind, but he brushes it away, like he always had.

Jisung, on the other hand, has barely anything to show for himself. Yes, he admits that he's found himself attractive at times, what with his own share of admirers, both boys and girls, lining up to give him gifts. Except after six years of being shoved into the spotlight and coming up with nothing but a Second Runner Up sash, he has long since accepted the fact that he's simply just a pretty face, something nobody else seems to have accepted seeing that he still finds himself being prepped for yet another pageant he'd be embarrassing himself in.

Hyunjin does not say anything back, and Jisung feels grateful for not being given much more pressure than had already been weighing him down.

Minho, his groupmate who took it upon himself to attend to his makeup, finally takes a step back to assess his handiwork. Jisung watches as his lips form a smirk, signaling that he was done and proud of the result. Jisung simply rolls his eyes and stands up to let Chan, their leader, adjust his outfit. He never looks at himself in the mirror during these events, because he made that mistake once and only disappointed himself when he had a clear point of comparison over the other contestants.

Instead, he grabs the bag of chips Chan offers him to snack on as he sits back to wait for Hyunjin to finish, trying to remain lowkey despite having an internal breakdown. "Hey, let me have a look," Jisung looks up to see his best friend Changbin approaching, preparing a glare because he just _knows_ the older will tease him. Except what he sees is a genuine smile and maybe a little bit of pride shining in his eyes. "Well shit, Jisung."

Probably sensing a compliment about to come, Minho approaches them and beams proudly. "I know right!" He says a bit too loudly, hooking his arm on Changbin's waist. "I didn't put a lot because he's pretty enough as it is and I'm now 100% sure that his simple beauty will get us that bread."

Jisung flushes as more of their groupmates approach them, and he stands up because he just can’t take any more of the pressure. Instead, he approaches Hyunjin, whose back was turned on him as he let Felix put on the finishing touches on his hair. "Hey Hyunjin, can you-"

As Hyunjin turns, Jisung feels the air rush out of his lungs. Hyunjin was wearing a dark blue suit with the sleeves rolled up, matching pants, and for some reason, white sneakers. Jisung had seen Hyunjin in formal evening wear before, and still this one catches him off guard because although he expected that the look would not be the usual formal attire considering the bad boy-good boy concept they were going for, he did _not_ expect Hyunjin to be wearing a fucking _see-through_ white collared shirt under the suit, with three (three!!!) of the top buttons undone. Looking up at his face did not help either, because his eyes were immediately captivated by Hyunjin's slightly curled black hair parted in the middle, light gray contacts unmistakable under the perfectly drawn eyeliner, and most importantly, the silver lip ring shining under the fluorescent light.

He's gorgeous, to say the least. And suddenly, Jisung is back to that day he actually _saw_ Hyunjin.

\---

_His friends would often argue that their first interaction was the second day of their first year of middle school, when Hyunjin was dared to sing_ Happy Birthday _to him. But he doesn't remember that, not really. When school started, all everyone could talk about was That Handsome Boy who was in his class and how everyone wanted to talk to him. But Jisung didn't really want to be just anyone. He barely noticed the boy because he wanted nothing more than to remain lowkey, but somehow he caught this popular boy's attention. And for the months following, he would catch pieces of conversation in the hallways of them being The Perfect Couple._

_Jisung tried to act normal, he really did. But that seemed impossible when he could catch Hyunjin's not-so-subtle glances and occasional pickup lines when he's close. By this time, Jisung was already pretty sure that the boy had feelings for him, but he wasn't sure about his. So he waited._

_And as he did, he found himself actually looking at Hyunjin, at the way he cracked jokes and was the first to laugh at them, his eyes crinkling as he did; at the way he spoke so fluently and intelligently that it drew everyone's attention on him; at the way he seemed to be good at literally everything. He found himself wondering how the fuck one person could be so perfect._

_Needless to say, he was confused. At least until that night at their last Christmas gala before high school, when Hyunjin, stunning in his yellow [Jisung's favorite color] button-up despite the black-and-white theme, asked Jisung to dance. Jisung, who was supposed to just be dropping off something and therefore had no intent of staying, had been completely underdressed in his ripped jeans and oversized white sweater. And yet, when he was led to the middle of the floor with his hand held by the most gorgeous boy in existence, he can't help but feel as beautiful as Hyunjin told him he was, as he looked into Jisung's eyes like they were the only two people in the room._

\---

Jisung gulps, now feeling overdressed in his white suit with an undershirt the same color of Hyunjin's suit jacket. He unconsciously tugs on his cuff sleeves as he struggles to discover how to speak again. "I- um- I was going to ask you to-"

Hyunjin seems to be oblivious of the effect he has—still has—on Jisung as he approaches. "You want to go over the blockings?"

Jisung sighs in relief, avoiding the other's gaze. "Yes please"

Jisung hadn't been lying when he said he had never attended a rehearsal for the competition, and the 15-minute crash course Hyunjin and another pair of contestants didn't really help when he was faced with the actual stage as they lined up among the contestants, waiting for the cue to start the entrance. He has never really been confident or comfortable onstage, and he knows that it shows. He knows this is just another event he would fuck up and he just wanted to _get it over with._ He gets distracted from his thoughts when Hyunjin places a hand on the small of his back, the reassuring smile on his face not at all in character. "Hey, you've done this a million times before, you can do this one last time."

Jisung gives back a tentative smile, betraying the nerves he felt over seeing the outfits of the other contestants.

Hyunjin must have seen through it, because as the music starts, their cue for the first entrance to start, he takes Jisung's hand and gives it a squeeze. "Besides, you look beautiful tonight."

This finally snaps Jisung out of his daze, gaping at the other boy and processing if he really said that. Hyunjin, however, was already facing forward, ready for their turn to enter across the center aisle. He doesn’t let go of Jisung's hand, but he barely notices or remembers the long walk as the word repeats in his mind, taking him back to the first time he heard it from him.

\---

_Jisung was sitting alone backstage, all dressed up and waiting for his turn. It was his first pageant and he was a bundle of nerves that he could barely talk, even to his too-supportive friends. He knows should be standing near the stage entrance to observe his competitors but he just couldn't bring out the courage to do so. He was nibbling on his bottom lip when yet another contestant exited from the stage into the backstage wing he was in, rushing to the dressing rooms on the other side. He wouldn't even have looked up if it wasn't for the unmistakable whisper he heard, "Beautiful."_

_There was no one else that that could have been intended for, looking up too late, only to see the most popular boy in school looking back to wink at him._

\---

He couldn't believe he was hearing it again, four years later. And just like then, he wondered what it really meant.

Everything else was a blur of production numbers (which Jisung _definitely_ messed up), changing outfits backstage, and walking around the stage. Hyunjin was right, there was no actual Q&A, and for Jisung it meant one less thing he could fuck up, but Hyunjin was definitely upset. He couldn't ask him why, though, because there definitely was no time between the fast pacing of everything, until they were all back to their formal attires, all standing on stage as they were finally to introduce themselves as the last chance to make a lasting impression.

There were a lot of contestants, so it would take a while to finish, but they were among the firsts so Jisung felt relieved that he wouldn't endure too much pressure when those who would come raised the standards too high. Hyunjin must have noticed him fidgeting, because he squeezed Jisung's shoulder and smiled at him right before he was up. And maybe it worked, because although he doesn't really remember what he said, he somehow made the audience laugh and applaud, earning approving nods and smiles from the judges. Switching places with Hyunjin, he tried to catch the latter's eye to somehow thank him or maybe say goodluck, but the other's eyes were trained on the audience, an unreadable expression that could easily be mistaken for arrogance or confidence on his face.

Jisung has seen him in enough competitions to recognize that this wasn't the usual charming way Hyunjin held himself. This one was too poised, and he could see from where he stood that he wasn't smiling; his face was dead serious like he was issuing a challenge.

"I was told tonight was about crowning who best embodies our school," he starts off with his voice cold yet holding much power. "And yet we seem to be judging that by fake smiles and phony outfits. I believe each of the contestants on stage with me have much more in them than perfect postures and confident strides, and that, more than anything, is what they deserve to be known for." Seemingly satisfied, he straightens up and looks at the crowd with a challenge in his eyes. Then, surprising everyone, he put on a too-wide, sarcastic smile to finish off his introduction, "Hwang Hyunjin of District 9. Thank you!"

Jisung barely registered the stunned expressions of the audience as he watched Hyunjin walk back to his position on his left. At that moment, he felt nothing but immense pride towards him, but he only offered a tentative smile, not knowing how the other will react. Hyunjin gave back a small smile, and it he saw nothing of the confidence that was there just seconds ago; his eyes seemed to ask whether he did the right thing. So when Hyunjin was once again standing beside him, Jisung took the opportunity to pat him on the back to let him know he did well.

Because he knew that no matter how well Hyunjin held himself, there were rare moments when he let himself be vulnerable, and Jisung hadn’t realized how lucky he was that he was one of the few who saw that part of him.

\---

_It was Valentine's Day, and it was never a big deal for Jisung because aside from the occasional chocolates and roses and plushies that somehow found their way into his locker, he never really had someone special to spend it with. He had been busy with club activities that he didn’t realize it was nearly nightfall when he was finally heading out. As he was walking back to the dorms, he heard hurried footsteps behind him. He stopped in his tracks to look back, and the first thing that caught his eye was a weird-looking plushie that fit right into the palm of the person holding it. Jisung's eyes widened when he realized it was The Hwang Hyunjin, eyes holding his in a question and lips curled in a hesitant smile. Hand slightly trembling, Jisung grabbed the plushie with a silent, "Thank you", his eyes breaking contact to maybe stop his heart from pounding a beat too fast._

_It seemed like hours before Hyunjin broke the silence, "Where are you off to?"_

_Jisung usually prided himself on his fluent speech and people skills, and yet at that moment, he stuttered with the few words,_ back to the dorms.

_And when Hyunjin offered to walk with him, he could only nod._

_In those few minutes, he saw nothing of the confident Hwang Hyunjin that usually walked the halls of the school. Instead, walking beside him at that moment was a boy as nervous as himself, attempting to make small talk while toying with the edges of the sweater he wore. Jisung decided that he liked this version, this honest and less-perfect version, better. And he would've said as much, had they not reached his dorms too soon, instead ending the night with an awkward exchange of_ Good Night _and a thousand unspoken words in their goodbyes._

\---

Jisung knows that Hyunjin had a crush on him. He knows that he had liked him back. And yet neither of them had been brave enough to acknowledge it, leaving Jisung to always wonder what could have been if they had. He always thought that it would be the other boy who would confess, so he waited. But a lot of time passed, and when the interactions waned, he believed that so will his feelings, especially seeing that the other's seemed to. His friends would roll their eyes at him when he referred to it as 'moving on' because apparently, "Jisung, there was never a relationship to move on from!"

But whatever it was, what he didn't know was how long it would take, because just like when he started having feelings, he still noticed the little things: the small interactions, the few conversations, even the tiniest indications that Hyunjin still knew of his existence. Just like now, as he feels the boy's arm slung over his shoulder, his right hand squeezing Jisung's right shoulder.

Jisung tenses as he turns his attention to his partner. The other boy was grimacing despite his best efforts to hide it, making Jisung worry. "What's wrong?" he asks, concern seeping through his voice and still fully aware of the warm hand on his shoulder.

"C-cramps," Hyunjin says through gritted teeth.

Jisung's eyes widened in understanding. There were only a handful of contestants left on stage, but Hyunjin refused to exit the stage discreetly despite Jisung's insistence that the organizer would understand. Albeit exasperated, he stopped arguing, instead securing his arm around the other's waist and maneuvering him so that they switch positions, slightly hiding him from the audience's view. Hyunjin still gripped his shoulder for balance, so Jisung's hand found its way around his partner's waist again. _For support,_ he tells himself.

From afar, it may have passed as normal, but Jisung was hyperaware of the fact that they're standing too close to each other, and he mentally chastises himself because he knows _it isn't like that._ His brain, however, has other plans as it pulls him back to the memory of their first—and only—hug.

\---

_Their music teacher had assigned them yet another film project. Granted, it was a bit lighter because it was just a Romeo and Juliet adaptation so they needn't write out an original script, but they had been drowning in requirements that week and Woojin, their group leader at the time, felt a little too rebellious._

_"Fine, if I'm going to be leader I am going to do this_ my _way," he had declared, with a glint in his eyes. "But I ain't doing this the het way."_

 _So that's basically how he and Hyunjin ended up alone in the balcony of the cheapest vintage house set they could find, rehearsing their lines with an awkward tension in the air. They had both vetoed the kiss that had somehow found its way in their script, all members eventually agreeing to insert a necklace-giving scene and a hug instead. Jeongin, who was in charge of arranging the script, had given Jisung a suggestive smirk after mouthing a sarcastic_ You're Welcome _before he excused himself to grab some food._

_In an attempt to ease the tension, Jisung pointed out how Hyunjin had been twirling the necklace—Jisung’s—on his fingers, asking him to be careful because it was a gift. Instead, the other boy held it teasingly beyond the balcony railings, a smirk gracing his features as he looked down at Jisung trying to grab it, asking, "From a boyfriend perhaps?" At that, Jisung had suddenly become all too aware of the blush creeping into his cheeks and the too-small distance between them, his silence taken as affirmation. Jisung didn't notice how the other boy's shoulders sagged as he held out the necklace with a silent "Sorry I didn't realize" and neither did he realize how his face lit up when Jisung hurriedly denied it._

_He did notice, however, the faint blush in Hyunjin's cheeks as Changbin, their camera guy, cleared his throat and apologized cheekily for 'ruining the moment.' He also noticed how close they were as they shot the intimate scene, Hyunjin's breath warm against his ear as his Romeo spoke his lines as if they weren't scripted while his hands secured the necklace on Jisung. He noticed how easily he fit in Hyunjin's arms as the boy hugged him from the back, conversation flowing smoothly and far too much emotion than he would have liked had it been anyone else. He noticed how fast his heart had been beating at the moment before they embraced, their eyes locked into each other and lips just a touch apart, both aware that it was what the script originally asked of them. He noticed how Hyunjin melted into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Jisung's shoulders as he wrapped his around Hyunjin's waist, and how the latter held on a beat longer before planting an out-of-script kiss on his forehead. He noticed the little things, and yet Jisung convinced himself it was all for show as he was brought back to reality by Woojin's too-loud slow clap, Jeongin's continuous compliments, and Changbin's cryptic smirk._

_It didn't help that Jeongin had insisted on adding in a cheesy mellow love song in the background for their final output, a song that Jisung could never listen to without remembering how right it felt to be in Hyunjin's arms._

\---

Jisung was brought back from the memory when Hyunjin's cold clammy hand finds his, telling him that it was their cue to go backstage to give way to the production number before the final announcement. Hyunjin's jaw was firmly set and his strides remained confident, something that reminded Jisung once again of the boy's extensive experience on the stage.

Their team had been waiting backstage, along with a boy whose face showed evident concern despite the gentle smile he directed towards Hyunjin. Almost immediately, Hyunjin let go of his Jisung's hand and fell into the arms of the boy. _Seungmin_ , Jisung recalls. _Of course._

It was Chan who approached him first, confusion and concern etched in his features, followed by Changbin and Minho. "What happened?" their leader asked, eyes still trained on the couch where Hyunjin had his leg rested on Seungmin's lap.

"Cramps," Jisung simply said.

Chan pat his shoulder and muttered a quick _Good job out there_ before heading to the couch to help his teammate.

Jisung barely realized he had been staring until he felt Changbin's hand on his back. "You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah of course," Jisung replies in an attempt to appear nonchalant. Besides, no one has to know that he had just discovered that he had never gotten over Hwang Hyunjin, and he was still endlessly, irrevocably, undeniably, in love with the gorgeous boy who now found comfort in another's arms.

As they walked back to the stage for the last time that night, Jisung found his hands intertwined in Hyunjin's once again. Despite the pressure of their team's expectations, he no longer felt the nerves that used to come crashing down on him at this point in the competition. He already knew with certainty who would take the crown, and he was certain it wasn't him.

Thus, as surprised as he was when he was called forward for Third Place, he did not expect that he would immediately be followed by Hyunjin, coming in Second Place. He wasn't the only one; the entirety of the audience seemed to be scandalized that despite being the only one who was brave enough to speak his mind, he had been robbed of the crown he deserved.

Hwang Hyunjin was undaunted though, a confident smile remaining on his face and a challenging glint in his eyes directed towards the judges. Nobody would have blamed him had he spoken up, but he simply smiled and took his awards, and Jisung found himself admiring the boy yet again that evening, because he knew that beyond that calm façade, he knew that not speaking up was exactly the way to get to the judges' nerves. And the confidence looked good on him, Jisung pondered. At that moment, it looked like the world had stopped so that everything would focus on him. He was ethereal, and for what seemed to be the billionth time that day, Jisung couldn't help thinking how perfect Hyunjin was.

As the audience stood for the last applause, the victors, including them, were pulled forward for pictures, and Jisung stood next to Hyunjin for a picture, the latter wrapped his arm around Jisung's waist to pull him close, smiling down at him as he congratulated him and apologizing for not being able to do better, before turning his attention back to the cameras.

Jisung, however, had held on to the apology, letting it pull him back to the last time Hyunjin did that to him.

\---

_They barely saw each other anymore after middle school. Yes, they were in the same high school, but they could as well have been in different countries. They passed each other in the halls with nothing more than a smile and an occasional wave, but they never really had anything to say to each other anymore._

_That's why it came as a surprise when Jisung received a notification that Hyunjin had messaged him on the night of a party Jisung was too lazy to attend._

_It was the first drunk text he had ever received:_

sorry for everything :((

for realz sorry

i gave up on you so very fast

really sorry

sorry

sorry

_He didn't know what to make of it. Why is he saying this now? How the fck is he giving up when he didn't even officially start? Does this mean they were never going to happen?_

_And when Jisung found out it was a drunk text, what confused him even more was the fact that Hyunjin was thinking of_ him _when he was drunk. And he really did not know what to make of that._

_Needless to say, the tension between them grew thicker and there seemed to be an unspoken agreement to pretend that nothing ever happened between them. And deep down, Jisung knew it was true._

\---

Despite his protests, Jisung was pulled into an afterparty with the team in Changbin's 10th floor condo unit. "Everyone would be there," Chan had insisted. Which was why he shouldn't have been surprised to see Hyunjin practically glued to Seungmin's side even as the party was just starting.

He was tired, and wasn't in the mood to celebrate. So after the obligatory handshakes and hugs and _thank you_ s, he retreated to the balcony, his favorite part of Chan's apartment. He leaned over the railings, admiring the glow of the city from so high up, a stark contrast to the dark blue sky littered with so many stars. From so high up, he could pretend that he was detached from the world, and therefore far away from his problems and the feelings he had so desperately been chasing away.

As much as he loved his friends, Jisung also loved being alone, away from the expectations and the piercing stares and the judgement that other people seemed to always have on him. He loved the silence and the comfort it brings him, and there are only a handful of people in the world he would forgive for trying to disturb him during his alone times.

His shoulders tensed when he felt someone's presence disturb the silent atmosphere he had created for himself, barely relaxing when he realized who it was. Hwang Hyunjin, of _fucking_ course.

He immediately felt all the exhaustion of the day coming back to him, and he couldn't deal with any more frustration. He knew, however, that if he spoke, he would lash out, and Hyunjin didn't really deserve that especially when he wasn't doing anything to intentionally aggravate Jisung. It was simply Jisung's fault that he has been attracted to this unrealistically gorgeous man who just happened to have feelings for him for a time long gone and hadn't had the nerve to do something about it. Hwang _fucking_ Hyunjin.

"You did well today," Hyunjin said, breaking the silence.

Jisung really wasn't up for a conversation, and he really didn't want to snap, so he opted for short answers. "Thanks."

"That's rude, no return?" There was a smile in his voice, and Jisung hated how even his voice was attractive.

"Yeah, you too."

"For a last stage, nonetheless."

"Uh-huh." _Give up_.

"Are you sure you don't want to go up there again?"

"Nope."

"Ever?"

"Never."

"Shame, then."

"Huh."

"A loss for them, I guess." _What?_

"Mhm." _Indulge him, maybe he'd go away._

"You looked pretty out there tonight, you know." _Shut up._

"Thanks."

"Really, you were-"

Jisung snapped. Hyunjin had no reason to compliment him this much. Facing him, Jisung hissed, "Why are you here, Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin seemed taken aback by the outburst. Still, he attempted a genuine smile despite his confusion. "You looked lonely, I wanted to-"

 _Nope, not taking that._ "Why are you _really_ here?"

"I-" Hyunjin trailed off. Sighing, he seemed to opt for the truth. "I wanted to talk to someone who would understand."

"Then go talk to your boyfriend," Jisung leaned back on the railings again, trying his best to keep the spite from his voice.

"He's not my-" Hyunjin sighed again, resigned. "Seungmin isn't my boyfriend."

"Yet." Jisung guessed. And Hyunjin didn't deny it. _Han Jisung you idiot._

A silence stretched between them, neither knowing what to say, the sounds of laughter and stories seemingly so far away.

"I really am sorry, you know," Hyunjin finally says. Jisung could feel the boy’s eyes on him. "I just really hope we could be friends."

Jisung barely contained the scoff he let out at that. All the memories of the two of them for the past years, all the stolen glances and little moments, came barreling down at once, morphing his frustrations into an ugly shade of bitterness and anger. _Friends. Hah. Sure, let's play your game, Hwang Hyunjin._ "Sure," he replied, perhaps a bit too sarcastic.

As he met Hyunjin's eyes, Jisung realized that the offer had been sincere and the other had taken his assent seriously. The other boy smiled, genuine but something akin to sadness hidden behind it. _Nope, not falling for that._ "You know, you really are the only person who would understand," Hyunjin starts. "We're too similar, I regret not trying to befriend you earlier."

 _Nope, not again._ "Uh-huh."

"Tonight was the first time I ever spoke how I truly felt about those pageants, and it feels like a weight had been lifted," Jisung recognized the vulnerability in the other's tone that meant he was opening up. But _no_ , Jisung can't fall for the honesty in him, not again. Oblivious of his internal crisis, Hyunjin continued, "Except that I feel like despite what I did, it will still go on like that, the unreasonable criteria, the pointless rules. It's just so frustrating that they'd rather see the superficial side of people rather than the real ones. Sometimes people just walk down that ramp oozing confidence and looking so put-together but somehow they just end up even more broken than when they started, because of some stupid standards by stupid people who _don't even matter_. Don't they understand that some people already know what's wrong with them and they don't need anyone rubbing it into their faces?"

Jisung didn't want to speak. The words spoken were all too real and Hyunjin had been all too fragile, that Jisung didn't want to burst his bubble. After all, the other boy seemed contented to be able to rant and let out his feelings, no point for Jisung to be a bitch and ruin that.

Except that his frustrations and bitterness got the better of him, and of course his own tongue just _had_ to betray him. He faced Hyunjin, leaning on one side with his elbow, his eyes boring into the other's, forcing him to look at him. He _knew_ this wasn't going to end well, and yet he couldn't stop.

"But isn't that what people do? They can't fix themselves so they choose to break others?" Jisung was determined to look him straight in the eyes. His words hung in the air, heavy with implications. He recognized that he had somehow managed to get the two of them in this incredibly awkward moment; he better own it.

Memories came flooding back, and suddenly tears threatened to fall from his eyes, and he only barely manages to hold them back. He realized how he had made himself pathetic enough by this confrontation, by suddenly steering the seemingly innocent conversation into the topic that they have both been avoiding for too long. He won't make this any worse for himself by showing the other boy how much he's _still_ into him. Besides, if you think about it, he never really had the right to react this way. Hyunjin probably doesn't even know why he's getting all dramatic; his confused expression shows as much.

Because at the end of the day, they both knew they were never even together; there was a time when they both knew one liked the other but it never really went anywhere, and Jisung had chosen to blame it on the fact that Hyunjin never really made an effort, but deep inside he knew that he never really let anyone make it past his superiorly built walls.

Nonetheless, despite having his fair share of admirers, there had always this one guy who made my heart race whenever he entered a room and made his belly explode with butterflies whenever he called his name. There was this guy to whom his eyes would always be drawn to no matter how crowded a room is. There was this guy whose voice he could always pick out of a group. It was this guy, standing right in front of him, this guy who might just as well have broken his heart and punctured his lungs when he saw him walking another boy home.

Hyunjin's gaze shifts from confused to serious, his jaw firmly set. Jisung could've sworn he saw sadness in his deep brown eyes, but he knew that looking at them any longer would force his tears out. So despite his better judgement, Jisung let out what he hoped was a convincing laugh and shrugged, "What a stupid argument. Forget it." He turned his back on him and started to walk back to the party when he heard him say so quietly, "That's what _you_ did."

Surprised, Jisung stops in his tracks thinking he heard wrong, but he was too afraid to look back at the other boy. When he spoke once again, there was a bitterness in his tone laced with a sadness that Jisung had never heard from him before. "You were too perfect back then, when I met you. You caught everyone's eye: that small silent boy no guy-or girl- seemed to get through to, but when you were with friends you were shining and laughing like every happiness belongs to you. But you were broken; it showed in your eyes, always glistening with tears that never fell. That was why I wanted to know you: I thought you were strong and I wanted to know that boy so sweet, so pretty, witty, and smart. So beautiful, and so… perfect."

Jisung sucked in his breath. Hyunjin had just mentioned the words he once used to describe him anonymously during a class activity. This time, Jisung couldn't stop it; his tears poured down his cheeks. Hyunjin continued, his voice a little strangled, "I don't remember ever being smitten that bad. Do you know you were the first—and so far only—guy I'd ever given a gift to?" He laughed bitterly. "You were the first guy I ever walked home. You were the first guy I was serious about. Hell, I was so bent on making a good impression that I asked for reinforcements just to text you!" These revelations did nothing for Jisung's fragile heart. He was heartbroken and mostly spent, but he managed to let out a few pathetic breaths, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because your endless mind games broke me! Because you never actually told me how you felt and blocked me out every time I tried to tell you how much _I_ liked _you_!" _Liked_ , Jisung noted. "Because now you're accusing me of hurting you because I'm broken when all I'm trying to do is trying to pick up the pieces from where _you_ left them when you were done with me! Because now I just want to be whole again to at least try to find someone who actually deserves me!"

"That—that’s not true."

"What's not true?" he demands.

Jisung's energy is drained from crying, but he somehow manages to gather whatever remaining strength he still had for this final swing. He wipes his tears and squares his shoulders. He turns around to face Hyunjin and stare at his eyes as he walks so close he could hug him if he wanted to. But he doesn't, because he'd lost the right to do that. Instead, he summons all the feelings, all the heartache, all the words he never said, towards this single moment. With that, he could feel a strange sense of calm in his chest, bringing a surprisingly genuine smile to his lips as he tells Hyunjin, "I still really like you, but I'm also really happy that you're happy."

And then he walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this, thanks for going through my first AO3 fic! Leave comments and talk to me because i really want to know what you think :))


End file.
